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Mar. 18th, 2008 | 09:13 pm
mood: UNHAPPY UNHAPPY
music: I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair

WEll here i am.
I wished i would act after thinking. THat my friend is my WORSE trait. I'm a acter not a thinker. I think aferwards. Wll lets see i thought i was making the right choice Saturday Nite by ending it wiht Kody. I honestly was, i didnt care about Josh or anything like that. I just keep hearing from EVERYONE you are stupid for being with him. and i know you arent suppose to to listen to what people say. but honestly when it comes down to the truth the only time Marty was against me being happy with kody was when kody would end up going with Casey. I was just going through de'ja vu with the whole Play thing again. Then seeing casey just didnt help matters. I have a million thoughts going through my head. I cant figure out what i need. what i want. If i want kody, or if i just flat out need him. I keep hurting him and i hate myself even more of the pain i cause him. Flat out i HATE IT!!!! I am good when i dont c him or talk to him but the sec i see him or the sec i accidently touch him i have a flood of emotions go through my body. Its seems like i spend the rest of the day trying to get that emotion to go away and then bame i run into him again. I can't for the life of me figure out what is so special about this boy. he can manage to turn my life RIGHT UPSIDE DOWN without evening know aobut it. I just flat out cant figure it out. I need to thouuh. When i was with him for that amazing month i felt like the person i should feel like. i felt amazing, i was so happy and i wnat to be that again. I just need to get my courage up again and just grab life by the balls and say HA i got you :)



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So Life Pretty Much Sucks

Sep. 12th, 2007 | 09:44 pm

Lets see, everythign in my life is turned upside down. I lost my best friend who i prettty much talked to all summer. I know he's happy with Casey and all but i just wished i didnt have to lose him. and maybe i don't go out of my way to talk to him like i guess he expects and i don't have a problem that they are dating i just can't stand to be around them when they are in hands length. But that's my problem.
Like when I am with Kody I feel something I will admit it but Then when i get away from him it goes away slightly. And Now Megan likes him and I pretty much keep hurting him over and over. And he made a comment that i am like 2 different people and he is right i get in random moods where I am willing to hurt friends to make myself happy. but then again when my normal self kicks in I care more about my friends and just want to be friends. So I think what i am goin to do is just either not date anyone right now. Well that's gonna be the plan if "Luke" fails me!!!! But I don't know and i'll probable never see him again after this week. But if so he's helped me in more ways then he knows and just by talkin to me

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My Weird Dream!! (1-10-07)

Jan. 11th, 2007 | 10:52 pm
location: home
mood: aggravated aggravated
music: Lessons Learned (carrie underwood)

the weirrd part and the part that confuses me most is some how I was in this round pen and this horse was runing around

Then suddenly theres panic and the horses head is pulled to like where the leg of the rider would be and he was rearin up and someone said Josey got hurt and the horse had the lunge whip stuck in its mouth and and end of the whip was stuck to its side and it was goin to dye soon. and i ran to the horse and like emontional i felt close to the horse like it was teddy but it was a horse I had never seen
that was weird itself with the whipe thing
but then when I finally got the whip free of the horse everyone out there ran to josey and a part of me knew I should go to him but I ran to where the horse layed down. and like emotionaly I was so sad like the horse was my mom.
but when I got to the horse it turned out to be a man and he was sayin stuff like dont be sad it wasnt your fault it was ment to be and stuff like that. then I was on my knees cryin and he was tryin to comfort me and then I just like tryed to straddle him and tell him to stay with me and he was like no it hurts and i shifted all my weight to the right leg but left my left leg across him, and I told him he cant leave me and that I needed more time.. and then he just died and i layed down beside him and i woke up cryin like a damn baby and i was really sad this morning
so there was my messed up dream and like after I had took my shower i completely forgot it untell lunch and somthing made me remember waking up cryin

the part that scares me is how emothino I felt thru it all

i dont know but even if i figureed it out i almost don't want to becauase i feel so sad and cold on the inside like a close person just died and i hate that feeling
I feel like everything is numb

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Friends

Nov. 1st, 2006 | 10:30 pm
location: home
mood: content content
music: random stuff

Well lets see, I have lost all my friends and I feel alone. And the real sad thing is I didn't even realize it until it had to be spelled out for me but the only sad thing is the only person who would tell me how bad of an asswhole I was was Kody. The guy I haven't talked to for a month cause I got scared. But what is new I run when I get scared, I won't deny it Brad started to talk about Friday and I just started to panic and started to run up and down stairs. I paniced!!!! But now I am going to have to start from like -100 and start to make it up to everyone I was an ass. I have talked to Kody on the phone a lot last night, but I know that everything is not fixed and I know it will take time for everything to be fixed but it will never be fixed because everyone knows how much of an dumb ass I truely am. And I hate it I wish I could redo the school year and I know Brad would just be a friend no matter what. And I would just fly solo and find one guy and fall in love with him. But in a way I took the whole live your life and don't miss out a little to much. But I can't redo history so I have to move on and fix everything an dI plan on doing the best I can. But there is one thing I am goin to try, I am not breaking up with Darrin, because I like him alittle bit, even though no thinks that I do know, I thought he would had dumped my ass after the whole brad thing but he didn't and it showed how much I didn't know about him. And I spent all Sunday night with him and I had fun. SO I am goin to see where it goes. Welp I'm done on here for right now.

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I'm Tired!!!

Jul. 2nd, 2006 | 09:33 pm
mood: weird and sad
music: Blink 182

I kinda feel weird, but I think that what it really is because I am tired. I didn't sleep ANY LAST night. I went Scuba Diving in Angela's Pool today and it was NICE to just lay underwater and feel the air bubbles roll off and just it was weird yet relaxing. Then I came home and I had to work with Jake and Jose with the horses and that was alright I guess. But I just feel weird. Kinda sad tBUT I don't know what about.

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RFL Camp!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jun. 10th, 2006 | 08:35 pm
location: Home
mood: Proud Proud
music: NONE

Have you ever been talking to someone and they were like here want to do this. And instead of saying HELL NO liking you were thinking you said Hitch me up. Well had one of those moments. I was with Ed cause I had to give a camper her shirt back and she was gonna leave, and the repelling was the next part. Well I followed Ed to the roof with the Repelling guy to tie the rope. And they asked the question and I simply said if you tie me up to where I won't hit the ground up me on the line. Well they made the commit I wasn't one to reject anything. Well hell ya your at a 3 day camp with a bunch of male cops hell yeah you aren't gonna back down. WELL they put me up about 10 feet on a balcony tied to the rope and my legs felt like jello. But by the time I got the flow and that I wasn't gonna fall and I was supossable safe CUTE guy Troy!! I went up with mom and Trevor to Repell from a 50 Foot Building WOW I've never THOUGHT I could look at the guy doin the demo and actualy TRUST him with my life when I just saw him lest than a half an hour ago. Well after working on a year of confincing myself that I am happy going to be a vet. I am BACK to doing ALL my collage years for vet then joining the ISP THEN when I retire from them I will (If I want to) start the vet services. I just love hanging out with them and talking to them. And Hell I want to scuba Dive for the state and I want to shot a gun for a the state and I want to repell I WANT to do somthing I will be proud of and someone will understand. I don't think anyone understands that when you save a animal and how that all is!!

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HAPPY

Jun. 2nd, 2006 | 01:04 pm

I am finnaly ready to update more often even though now no one will be on. But we're set up for better conection. The show tomorrow will probable be

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(no subject)

Apr. 28th, 2006 | 09:03 pm
location: HOME
music: Mix

I havent' been on here in SO LONG and I blame it all on the connection with the computer. So blame the computer not me please, jk.
I rode Teddy just around the field bareback, IT HURT to bad, the insides of my legs, o-well Danny told me to stop complaining, SO screw it!!
This Thursday it'll be a year since Precious left me and when I think about it I sort of feel depressed and miss her, but I have a reason to look forward to that day because of Megan and I am glad that atleast that day stands for something good this year. So Megan don't tell me not to go to it again please because I can't be at the house all day. Or I'll get sad and I would rather be happy with you and Jo.

I miss Precious and on Wednesday I am gonna have to realize that I am not just gonna wake up from a dream and Precious is still here. I just don't want to give up on that wish and hope just yet. I see Leo and I feel bad and guilty cause I can't bring back Precious for him.

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(no subject)

Mar. 21st, 2006 | 07:51 am
mood: blah blah
music: Memiores of You

I've got a Spanish test to study for but anyway. I guess you can say that new things have happened. But I don't know the whole thing with Marty caught me off guard and he even said he never planned for that to happen. But I don't know, yeah when I am with him I am happy OK I admit that for you. BUT still I feel guilty about Candice. I had no right to hurt her and I did and not once did I think about how she would feel Sunday night. It was Monday morning when It was like shit what did I just do to her. But o-well Ben is sitting in the sit with me and its funny. Me and Ben bond in our own way when we are with out the boys and Mom. Its cool. But this is all besides the point. Um,

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Have't Been On in AWhile

Mar. 16th, 2006 | 07:55 pm
mood: calm calm
music: nodo

Wow, its been awhile since I have been on. The only difference this week than last week is the liking of basketball. And now EVERYTHING is different, well I mean the reasons why I wanna play now. I gave up basketball partialy because I didn't have time over the summer to practive SO when I picked up a ball to start my 7th grade year I was ACTUALLY worried about being on the team. And I felt bad that I didn't try hard enough to play a sport that I onced lived to play, but it was replaced by v-ball and now its weird. But anyway I like going out there and playing with Jose it is something I need to practice and he makes me want to get outside to practice, I get to spend time wiht him and I guess that it was time I sort of missed. But o-well, maybe this summer is Jose's and my summer BUT you never know what could happen. O-well

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